After my first miscarriage, I definitely felt a loss of innocence. By the time I got pregnant the second time, I was worried and things weren’t going great from the beginning…I never felt "safe" in the pregnancy.
After my second miscarriage, I felt it was necessary to start therapy. How do I begin the IVF process again when I have lost the excitement of being pregnant? The excitement had been replaced by fear. Through therapy, I learned the obvious, although it makes more sense to hear it from someone else…whatever is going to happen, will happen. Whether I am excited and enjoy my pregnancy or live in fear during it, the outcome is predetermined. This was a great lesson to learn, since I was pregnant again within months. It was hard to feel true excitement, especially with several bleeding incidents….but the further along I got, the more comfortable I felt. I even went shopping and bought her an outfit…and the next day, my water broke.
Now I feel like I have lost so much more. I have lost trust in my body, I have lost all feelings of security, I have lost control (which I realize I never had in the first place, but I lost the sense of it)….some days I feel like I have lost my mind and I am trying very hard not to lose my faith. My faith in God, in the universe, in my life working out the way I had pictured it.