In a span of 4 years, I suffered 3 losses. I don't mean suffered as "endured"....I mean I physically, emotionally and spiritually suffered...and am still suffering over each one.
In 2012, I became pregnant for the first time, following my 5th IUI. Everything was going great, I had some morning sickness, but nothing crazy. At the NT ultrasound at 13 weeks pregnant, I was told my baby no longer had a heartbeat. Several days later, my OB performed a D&C. I had requested genetic testing, in the hopes of find an answer. The only answer I received was that the baby had Down Syndrome. NOT a reason to miscarry, in my opinion, NOT a death sentence and definitely NOT something that would have made love him any less. Him....I also found out I was having a son. I had names in mind and the boy name I had chosen was Jack Michael, for my Grandpa and Dad.
Jack taught me the unconditional love that a mother has for her child. I have never thought of him as anything but perfect. He also taught me that a heightened sense of smell is the first sign of pregnancy for me!
After 4 more IUI's, I moved on to IVF. I did 3 egg retrievals, 2 fresh transfers and I can't even remember how many frozen cycles (most cancelled for uterine lining issues) before I became pregnant again in August 2014. My betas weren't doubling every few days at first, but they caught up and I was excited for my first ultrasound at 6 weeks. I was at my RE's office and using the restroom before the ultrasound when I starting bleeding. The ultrasound showed a baby with a very healthy heart rate. As we had transferred in 2 embryos, there was some discussion that it could be the other embryo miscarrying that was causing my bleeding. This appointment was on a Friday, so I was sent home with instructions to come back first thing Monday morning. I bled heavily all weekend and was not overly surprised to find, at Monday's ultrasound, that there was no longer a baby, MY RE did a D&C 5 days later and, once again, I requested genetic testing. I had it done on embryos before this "batch" but not on these. Well, the lab lost the "sample" and I never had answers....I never even got to find out the gender. I had a dream one night that she was a girl and I named her Bella....which was never a name on my list, but that is who she has become to me.
Bella taught me that, even if the beta numbers aren't rising, the heightened sense of smell was still there! She also taught me that, nervous as I was going into this pregnancy, my love for her was never diminished.
My next cycle was in February 2015 and we decided to transfer 3 embryos. A little risky, but, since I seem to not get pregnant easily, seemed like a good idea. Shock of all shocks, I was pregnant again! At 6 weeks I began bleeding and feared the worst. My RE was incredible and did 2-3 ultrasounds a week for my peace of mind. The bleeding stopped and we still had a strong heartbeat! At 9 weeks, the bleeding came back...I was still doing 2-3 ultrasounds a week and everything was still fine. That bleeding also passed. It was speculated that it was the loss of the other 2 embryos that were transferred. I hit the 12-week mark and was ready to be transferred from me RE to OB. I had one last ultrasound at my RE's office and invited my mom to come. They did the best ultrasounds there, took their time, did 3-D at no charge....and I wanted her to see how amazing it all looks. I was surprised that day that they also had the results from the MaterniTI21 genetic testing that had been done, using my blood. The paperwork all said I had a healthy baby girl!! My mom was with me at the ultrasound where I learned Jack had died, so I was quick to point out the fluttering heartbeat on this ultrasound. We cried, the nurses cried, everyone was overjoyed! I had tons of pictures and videos from the various ultrasounds they had done for me and "graduated" to my OB the picture of health.
When I reached 18 weeks pregnant, I decided to look around at Babies R Us. No intention of buying anything, just to look. BUT I saw the cutest outfit that matched the décor I'd already picked out for Lucy's room, so I had to buy it! The next day, my water broke at home. I went to the hospital and, 30 hours later, my sweet Lucy Kay silently entered the world.
Lucy made me feel like a mother in a way Jack and Bella hadn't. I gave birth...I held her in my arms....I cried over her, but also smiled at her....I showed her off to my parents, sister and Grandma....we all marveled at how beautiful and perfect she is.
Lucy taught me that a shattered heart will keep beating, even long after you want it to.