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It's Halloween. I decorated the porch, I intended to buy and hand out candy. But I can't do it. I see you in your costume...a little kitten. Visiting Grandma and Papa, then Great Grandma then going trick-or-treating with your cousins.
I am in bed, hiding in the dark, waiting for this nightmare to end.
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As long as there is breath in my lungs, you will not be forgotten. Your names will be spoken and my love for you will be remembered.
Jack, Bella and Lucy....my life is yours. I try to perform small acts of kindness every day, even something as simple as letting someone in front of me in traffic. May not sound like much, but in L.A. that's a big deal!
Family is not just your blood. Family is friends who grieve with you. Family is friends you've made on this path. Family is people you don't even know that are going through this same pain.
I wish they were here with me.
I remember her perfect-ness. I could not believe the depth of love I felt when holding my baby. If only things were different. I am broken. Before my babies died I was happy...now I am sad and angry.
Before my babies died, I was oblivious that something so painful could happen to me...now I am anxiety ridden. Before my babies died, I never knew I could love so much...now I never knew I could hurt so much. What used to be my favorite time of year is now what I dread.
The Holiday Season. Starting with Halloween and going through New Years. I used to love everything holiday. Now every song, every decoration, even the cold weather....it's a reminder that I am alone in this world. I wish I had something to share.
I wish I could say it gets better, but it doesn't. Your grief will never lessen, you will just learn to manage it better. There will still be days, hours, minutes where you feel like you're drowning in grief, like it's just as fresh as the first moment. Let it happen. Let the waves wash over you. It feels like the tears will never stop, but they will. Your love will never stop, your grief will never stop. |