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This is a touchy one for me. I’m sure everyone in my shoes has experience guilt from their loss(es). The feeling of "what did I do wrong". I am still stuck in that.
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At the OC Walk to Remember, an artist by the name of Peter Brandon sang his song "Brand New Wings". I had never heard it before and it brought me to tears.
I feel there is so much music that I associate with my losses….from Pink’s "Beam Me Up" to Garth Brooks "The Dance". Beam Me Up By Pink There's a whole other conversation going on In a parallel universe Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts There's a waltz playing frozen in time Blades of grass on tiny bare feet I look at you and you're looking at me Could you beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face Beam me up, Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,I think, A minute's enough, Just beam me up. Some black birds soaring in the sky, Barely a breath like our one last sight Tell me that was you, saying goodbye, There are times I feel the shivering cold, It only happens when I'm on my own, That's how you tell me, I'm not alone Could you beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it I'd Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face Beam me up, Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,I think, A minute's enough, Just beam me up. In my head, I see your baby blues I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's One of me, with you So when I need you can I send you a sign I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights I'll pick a star and watch you shine Just beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face Beam me up, Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,I think, A minute's enough, Beam me up Beam me up Beam me up Could you beam me up The Dance By Garth Brooks Looking back on the memory of The dance we shared 'neath the stars above For a moment all the world was right How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end, the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd have had to miss the dance Holding you, I held everything For a moment wasn't I a king But if I'd only known how the king would fall Hey who's to say? You know I might have changed it all And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd have had to miss the dance It's my life, it's better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd have had to miss the dance I think the season hardest for me, after all my losses, is the Christmas season. I so desperately want a child to share the joys of the holidays with….and year after year, my dream is not coming true.
I have tried hard to find symbols to associate….friends of mine have butterflies. I’m actually not sure how it started, but they associate butterflies with their daughter and are comforted when they see them, which is quite often! Maybe I am looking too hard? However, the other day I was stopped in the road and randomly noticed a heart in the sky. To be more accurate, I think it was a heart shaped balloon weight and it was dangling from phone wires. But it was small and actually pretty hard to see because of how it was spinning around. Yet the fact that it caught my attention, I feel must mean something. So I’m not sure if something as obvious as hearts will be a symbol or just things that I randomly spot that maybe are hard to see. Only time will tell. After my first miscarriage, I definitely felt a loss of innocence. By the time I got pregnant the second time, I was worried and things weren’t going great from the beginning…I never felt "safe" in the pregnancy.
After my second miscarriage, I felt it was necessary to start therapy. How do I begin the IVF process again when I have lost the excitement of being pregnant? The excitement had been replaced by fear. Through therapy, I learned the obvious, although it makes more sense to hear it from someone else…whatever is going to happen, will happen. Whether I am excited and enjoy my pregnancy or live in fear during it, the outcome is predetermined. This was a great lesson to learn, since I was pregnant again within months. It was hard to feel true excitement, especially with several bleeding incidents….but the further along I got, the more comfortable I felt. I even went shopping and bought her an outfit…and the next day, my water broke. Now I feel like I have lost so much more. I have lost trust in my body, I have lost all feelings of security, I have lost control (which I realize I never had in the first place, but I lost the sense of it)….some days I feel like I have lost my mind and I am trying very hard not to lose my faith. My faith in God, in the universe, in my life working out the way I had pictured it. I am the least creative person around, in my opinion. Although, I suppose, this blog and writing is a form of creativeness. Within a few weeks of her birth and death, I had Lucy’s actual footprints tattoo’d on my arm. When trying to decide where to get them, I reached out online. The best idea was on my inner, upper arm…where her feet would rest if I was holding her. I have also, in theory, continued her scrapbook. I say "in theory" because I got right up to the day I went into labor. I have her pictures I’ll put in there, I have tons of quotes and I have the OC Walk to Remember pictures that will go in there….I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it yet.  This is a community that I wish I didn’t belong to and wish didn’t exist (because it didn’t need to)…but since it DOES need to and since I DO need it…I’m glad it is there. I feel the pain of the others who have followed this path before me, and I feel the pain of those who are starting this path…or will be starting it soon and don’t know it yet. While I wish that none of us had to deal with it, I am grateful for those before me…I am grateful for the support groups and communities they have created, both to honor their babies and to help others. I only hope that I can carry on in their footsteps and turn my grief into a help to those coming behind me.  Everything is regrets and triggers right now.
Lucy was handed to me very quickly after her birth…I stared at her face and took in her features. She was in a blanket and, when the nurse offered to dress her in a gown, I agreed. I regret that I never took the time to look at all of her…to see her tummy, her legs, her feet. That is something I will never get back. My sister took lots of pictures for me and I took quite a few myself…but I regret not having more and I regret not having good close-ups of her face. Triggers keep me from going out. I go to work and come home. I do grocery shopping and other errands at night…when I hope that pregnant women and babies will be home. I have learned, and am continuing to learn, that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. Grief is a very personal and individual process.
One thing I have noticed is just the constant presence of Lucy in my mind. She is always there. And, while I’d want it no other way, I sometimes feel like I am losing my mind. Like I am drowning in my grief because there is no escape from it, no relief or break. But, if there was a break from it, I think I would feel guilty. Grief, to me, is no-win situation. My Glow in the Woods has been Forever Footprints. My sister shared this group with me and, within a few weeks of my loss, there was actually a brand new support group starting in my area. And, even more coincidentally, it was in the office of a therapist I was already seeing (although not run by her).
Through this group, I have met other woman dealing with this pain and at all different time frames of loss. It’s nice to be with these women, even if it’s only a couple days a month, that understand…that can sometimes verbalize what I cannot and that understand my tears hold so much more than just sadness. |